On being respectful
One of the reverse cultural shock I had (have?) most difficulty adjusting to after returning to India is the concept of being respectful. The term respectful, in their minds, was a world apart from what I would deem as respectful. I was advised in my first month in office that some of the young faculty educated in the western countries are not respectful of their elders. I have blogged about this before.
There have been numerous examples of me not being adequately respectful to some elders in my family, some of which I have listed here. When an aunt asked me to take at least a sip of milk or a pinch of sugar before I left the house. Or when my mother asked me not to pray for 13 days following my grandmother’s death. Or when my mother-in-law asked us not to move our house on a new moon day. Or when another aunt was talking about benefits of homeopathic medicines.
I have been accused of adamantly trying make a point to inform these folks that I do not agree with them. I agree wholeheartedly that I do this; I do not think this amounts to disrespect.
Being respectful means that I should just drink that sip of milk, for my aunt believes that not doing so will be unlucky. Or that I need not tell my mom that I am an atheist, so the question of me praying does not even arise. And so on…
But here is my take on this. What is more respectful: me lying to them by kowtowing to their beliefs and still doing what I want? Or telling them that I do not believe in these things, that I fundamentally differ with them and I will not do it?
Why is my aunt’s emotional blackmail (”please take a sip for my sake”) more respectful than my polite refusal to kowtow to her superstitions?
Why is it disrespectful to my mom if I tell her what I did, rather than just nodding an “OK”? Neither is any more disrespectful than the other.
Why is it disrespectful to tell my mother-in-law that we will not plan things to happen on amavasya on purpose; but if it happens to be a new moon day, so be it? Why is it more respectful to tell my mom-in-law that we agree with her, but still go and do what we want to do?
Why is it disrespectful if, when asked my opinion, to tell the aunt that homeopathy is pseudo-scientific? I didn’t go volunteer that information. If asked, why is it disrespectful if I am honest?
I will conclude with my pet peeve with my brush with Chennai “respectfulness”: I would much rather the technician (or carpenter, plumber, etc.) tell me that a certain job cannot be done upfront, rather than him doing half the job and tell me that he is incapable of doing the remaining part. Being respectful means being honest, even if it means you need to say “no” to the customer or someone “higher” in the hierarchical chain.
[…] earlier post on being respectful was motivated because there is a growing feeling that I am being unnecessarily argumentative about […]